Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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