didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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