Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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