After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
