There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
