U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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