I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
