k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
