I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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