Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
