i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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