The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
