I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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