I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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