I can tuck mytits in my pants
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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