My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
