I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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