So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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