i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
