I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the day after is always just damage control
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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