first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
