I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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