Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
