I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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