dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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