She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
