DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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