so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
