im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
