Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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