I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
