i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
