Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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