I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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