I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
