you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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