I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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