you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
