I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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