i need an iv and a liver transplant
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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