i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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