so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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