The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
