I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
