I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I cannot find my penis.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
