i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
