My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
