Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
