I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
