if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
