Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
